Heavy Heart
by Dignityy
Summary: Percy isn't a typical teenager anymore. Not since he learned that he's sick. Now that is world is upside down, that he has to fight against something invisible, he will learn who his heart belongs with, and he will learn to love life before it leaves him. No Gods.
1. Chapter 1

_New story! _This is going to be a short one, I think. I'm not sure. Hope you enjoy this little first chapter :)

**_C_hapter 1.**

* * *

_Lay down here beside me in the shallow water_  
_Beside me where the sun is shining on us still_  
_Lay down here beside me in the hallowed water_  
_Beside me where the silver lining stays until_  
_The sirens' calling_

* * *

**I STARTED TO FEEL SICK** a month after we arrived in this new town. We didn't give it much thought at first, thinking that it was just a cold because of the coughing and the difficulty to breathe. But the more days passed, the worse I felt. Food became less appealing, my body felt weaker and there was this constant pain in my chest that made me want to curl into a ball and never move a single muscle again.

For two weeks, my best friend Nico came to see me, feeding me with soups I could barely swallow, and he stayed for hours even after I had fallen asleep in my bed. He would tell me what had happened in school and tell me all about the stupid stuff he did in class. Sometimes he would come with Thalia, his cousin or Annabeth. But most of the time, it was just him and I. Not that I needed anyone else.

My parents were more worried about my mother's pregnancy than my so-called "cold" and kept telling me that in a few days, or less, I'll be back on my feet. I wish I actually believed that. But the days went by, and I got worse until I couldn't leave my own bed. Even though things weren't great, I kept thinking that they could be much worse. The doctor who came to see me three days ago suspected a pneumonia, nothing that couldn't be healed.

"Hey," whispered Nico as he saw my eyes flutter open.

"Hi." My voice sounded weird too. Too deep, hoarse, broken.

"How about we go sit outside a little? You haven't been out for weeks now."

I didn't reply but followed him outside when he left the room. At some point he had to support me, passing an arm around my waist. I couldn't even walk by myself. I felt ashamed to need his help but I knew I was stupid to feel this way since he was my friend. He made me sat under the porch, the wind caressing my pale skin and wet hair. It felt good to be out, to feel the fresh air in my malfunctioning lungs and to see something other than my bedroom's blue walls.

"I really think your parents should send you to the hospital."

"They blindly trust what the doctor said. Even though he didn't look so sure about what he was actually saying."

"If they don't, I will. This isn't normal." He pointed at my nose and I knew what he meant. Every time I would inhale, there would be this little whistle in my breathing and it was so strange to listen to it. My doctor said it was current with pneumonia and as if magic had left his mouth, my parents immeditely agreed.

"Tell me about your day."

I liked it when he talked to me about his days even if nothing particular had happened. It made me think about something else than the pain in my chest and the need to cough every two seconds. And I loved hearing his smooth voice, it helped calming my nerves. Sometimes he would tell me about Thalia's jokes and I would laugh with a breathless laughter and it would end up in a coughing fit which wasn't really what he was looking for. But still, it helped.

"Well, Annabeth did her presentation today, and as you can already guess, it was perfect. I wonder sometimes how she can be so smart."

Annabeth was one of most brilliant person I had ever met in my entire life. No matter what she was doing, she was always doing it right. I wasn't jealous, I was more impressed than anything. This _girl_ was impressive.

"Then I fought with Jason, again. I seriously hate that kid. I don't know how you can bear him."

"He's okay."

"Okay?" He laughed bitterly. "If I had the ability to kill people without others to know it, he would be my first victim."

"What did you fight for?"

"Stupid stuff."

I knew from the way he furrowed his brows that it was indeed stupid stuff, but it also mattered to him. I knew this kid enough to know when something was bothering him or hurted him. In this case, it was both.

"What kind of stupid stuff?"

"Bastard called me gay because I never had a girlfriend. How dumb is that, huh?"

"Pretty dumb."

"Yeah."

I didn't understand how some people would judge others because of who they liked, men or women. It always seemed to me that no matter the gender, love was love. But I wasn't like everyone else. And apparently, I wasn't like Jason.

* * *

**I JUST SAT THERE**, looking at the doctor before me but not really seeing him. His words rang in my head like an endless echo.

"I'm sorry."

_I'm sorry too_. I looked at my mother's face beside me and I saw the tears traveling down her pale cheeks. I wanted to cry too, but my body was too weak and it felt as if there was not enough water in it for such a thing. The doctor spoke again but I couldn't hear him. The voices in my head were screaming, and the beating of my own heart was so loud in my ears that I felt dizzy.

_I have a lung cancer. _

The words repeated themselves in my head, again and again until they felt unreal. Maybe this was all a dream. A terrible nightmare. Because it was not possible. I was only sixteen, I never smoked in my whole life. How could this happen? It was impossible. It was unfair. What about my family? And my friends? What about _me_? I wouldn't be able to swim anymore, to run, to enjoy my life. I was not a teenager any longer, I was a sick kid who knew nothing about life because he hadn't had the time to discover its secrets.

I've never thought about death because I believed that I had time. Time to enjoy my life, to grow old, go to college and have a job, get married and have two or three kids. Maybe go live near the sea. But now, sitting in the doctor's cabinet, I thought about death for the first time and it felt like it was holding my hand, stroking my cheek and whispering in my ear. It was so close I could almost feel it. I was just a sixteen year old kid, and I asked myself if one day I could say that I was seventeen. Maybe not. And it hurt.

It was as though the world around me had disappeared and it was only me. And the cancer growing in my lungs, somewhere. It was me and my disease. It was me and death, face to face. And I knew I wasn't going to win this fight. How could I? I could fight. I would fight. I would do it for my mother, my father and my brother or sister. I wanted to see him before I had to die. I wanted to hold him in my arms before I had to go. I would do it for Nico who was at school at the moment, probably laughing at a bad joke Thalia said. How could you say something like this to the only person you truly cared about? How could you say that maybe in a year you would be gone, to someone who loves you like a brother? You can't. I couldn't even tell myself those words. Those terrible, awful words.

_I'm going to die._

Of course we all die at some point. But is it fair, tell me, is it fair for a kid to die like this? So young and so slowly?

No, of course not.

My mother was screaming now. I knew what she was feeling because it was the same storm raging inside of me, it was the same rage and hollowness that was taking place in my chest. It was the same pain. And I couldn't bear to see her this way, her face full of anger and misery, her hands shaking and her eyes empty.

Tell me, is it fair to know that your own flesh and blood, the child you carried for nine months is sick, and there's nothing you can do about it? Is it fair to know that he's probably going to die before you? No, of course not.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you all for your reviews. To answer one of them, yes **this is going to be a Pernico story.** Enjoy the chapter two.

**_C_hapter 2.**

* * *

_I hope you find a way to be yourself someday,_  
_In weakness or in strength,_  
_Change can be amazing._  
_So I pray for the best, I pray for the best for you. _

* * *

**I STAYED AWAKE ALL NIGHT** after the appointment. I could hear my mom's sobs from her room beside mine. But I didn't cry. Not even once. I stared blankly at the wooden door before me, and I would try to look for an answer. An answer for my cancer, to understand how it was possible. I tried to find the right words to announce it to Nico but it never sounded good enough. I knew there was no good way to say it really, but the last thing I wanted was to hurt him. So I tried to find the perfect words to tell him that I was going to die soon.

That night was surely the longest of my sixteen years. I didn't find the words I hoped to find and my mother didn't sleep either apparently, neither did my father who had tried to calm her throughout the night. Didn't work.

I sat there in my bed, clutching at my phone which told me that it was seven in the morning. Nico was probably still sleeping or barely waking up, but I needed him. I needed him to tell me everything would be alright; I didn't need to believe it, I simply needed to hear it from his mouth. So I called him.

"You better have a good reason to wake me up or I'm going to skin you alive Perce."

"Come over." And my voice sounded so weak and broken to my ears that tears appeared in my eyes. It didn't come out as an order or a suggestion but a plea. And Nico didn't pronounce another word before he hung up and a minute later, he was lying beside me.

"Tell me." He hadn't even took the time to get dressed, he was still wearing his pajamas.

I looked for the right words again. But my brain was tired, it couldn't think anymore. I was exhausted and I lied down, facing my best friend. I knew I had to tell him. But looking at him, looking at his little sleepy smile on his lips made it so much harder. I was going to destroy him.

"I have a cancer."

And it was out in the open, just like that. It didn't feel good to say it. It felt even more awful. Nico's dark eyes froze and his pale features hardened as if I had insulted him.

"Say that again."

I didn't want to. Maybe if I said it again it would become real. But I said it anyway and this time, Nico's eyes became glassy with tears and he clenched his jaw. He sat up abruptly and I saw the way his nails were cutting the skin of his palms. And I hated myself to make him feel this way.

"It's a joke, right? Please tell me this is just a stupid joke." He turned to face me again, a single tear falling from his eye.

"It's not, Nico. I wish it was."

He nodded, and turned again. He had too much pride to let me see him cry. I knew that. So I hugged him from behind, resting my forehead against his shoulder blade. His body shook from his silent sobs and my heart broke a little at the lack of sound. I wanted him to scream, to shout at me, to yell at the world. But he stayed silent the whole time, and so was I.

"It won't change anything, you know that right?"

"What do you mean?"

"You'll always be my best friend Percy. Even in sickness and death. You always will be."

I hugged him tighter until his breathing slowed and his sobs died down. Of course I knew it. How could I ever think otherwise? It was him and I. Me and him. There was no place for a cancer or death between us. Of course it was not going to change anything.

"Don't you have a school to go to?" I asked him, my lips against his back.

"I'm staying here for the day."

"Staying with me?"

"Staying with you."

Hours passed, I slept for most of them and Nico watched me or read to me. There was a sweetness in his eyes that I've never seen before. But it was overruled by pain most of the time. It was hard for him to look at me. It was even harder when I started coughing and our eyes found blood on the palm of my hand. But still, it didn't matter.

We sat there, looking at the sunset under my porch, his hand so close to mine that I could feel its warmth.

I looked at him and saw the change in his features. He wasn't sad or pained anymore. There something else, something worse.

"Are you okay?"

"Stop worrying about me. I'm not the one who has a fucking cancer." Yeah, I could hear the change in his voice too.

"You're angry."

"Of course I'm angry!" He stood up and looked at me with fire in his eyes. "I'm fucking angry because my best friend is dying and there's nothing I can do. I feel powerless and useless. God I hate it." His fingers disappeared in the ocean of his black hair. "I'm angry at the world, at everyone, at the nature, at your parents, at me, at you. Fuck. I'm furious." He pushed back the tears and inhaled deeply. "This isn't fair. And I feel like punching someone. Actually no, I feel like killing someone with my bare hands."

I wanted to tell him that I will be fine, but I didn't even believed that myself. I wanted to reassure him, but how could I when I was terrified? I didn't know what to say to him. It was my fault.

* * *

**THAT DAY WAS THE FIRST TIME** I went to the hospital. The doctor told me that the sooner I was treated, the better it was. My mother was quiet in the car but I could feel her eyes drifting toward me and I knew she wanted to ask me how I was, if I was nervous or scared; but she didn't and I was grateful for it. For now I was able to stay at home but I had to come twice a week to get my treatment. Of course the doctor didn't talk about the fact that when the cancer would get worse, I would have to leave the house and my parents. I'm sure he didn't want to make my mother panic any further, especially after her reaction two days ago.

We arrived after twenty minutes and my mother seemed unsure about what she was supposed to do. She kept glancing between me and the hospital's entrance and by the way her eyes shone, I knew there were tears in them.

"Do you want to come with me?" I asked her and she was obviously relieved by the question. She nodded and parked the car.

I hated hospitals. The scent, the white walls, the heavy atmosphere, everything about hospitals was awful. We had to go to the 3rd floor where a nurse greeted us with a huge smile and pity in her eyes when she looked at me. I wanted to slap her pretty face.

"Hi, my name's Christie and I'm going to be your nurse for the time of your treatment. I know you're probably nervous about the whole thing but you don't have to worry about anything! You ready?" I nodded and she took my hand, literally took it like I was some lost child in the park and smiled at me. I hated her.

She laughed with my mother while I sent daggers at her with my eyes. I hated this. The feeling that someone is being nice to you because you're sick, because you're different. Because you're dying. I wanted to scream at her that I wasn't in the coffin yet and that I was just another kid. I didn't need anyone's pity or kindness. This was just stupid.

We arrived in a white room with a bed in the center and a huge machine above it. It seemed to turn all around the bed which I guess, I'll be lying on in a few minutes. The nurse smiled at me and squeezed my hand. God, I wanted to insult her so bad.

"Alright, Percy. You're going to have to take all your clothes off except your underwear. And you'll have to put this on." She gave me a hospital dress that seemed to be made of paper and was blue. "You can go over there to change."

I went to the closed door she was pointing at and entered in a little room with a bench and a mirror. I took off my shirt and my eyes drifted to my reflection. Almost all my muscle was gone now, I was paler and I looked so fragile that it made my heart ache. I remembered the hours I used to spend at the swimming pool, training and training until my body couldn't take it anymore. I remembered the competitions, the rush of adrenaline in my blood and the strength in my muscles. All of that was gone now. My dreams of becoming a professional swimmer, of winning trophies and medals. All of that because of something invisible killing me from the inside. And it sure looked like I was dying on the outside. My face had changed too. My cheeks were more sunken, my eyes were puffy and red from the lack of sleep and crying had something to do with that too. It was like seeing a version of me that wasn't really me. A possible future that could be changed. It didn't feel real to see me in this mirror. But it was.

"Perfect!" The nurse said with enthusiasm when I reentered the first room. "Now all you have to do is lie down and stay still. The machine will turn all around you at the level of your chest. You breathe normally and don't move, it will be all fine."

"I'm sorry but hum, what does this thing do?" My mother asked from behind the nurse, a little frown on her face.

"Oh, the doctor didn't explain it to you? Well, this is very simple. The machine will turn around your son and use radiations to destroy the cancer cells and prevent them from multiplying. It's the most current way to cure a cancer nowadays. Of course there are second effects, you might feel weak after a couple of days, your body will be too and it might affect your intellect and everything that has to do with… your sexuality." She said awkwardly as she looked at me. "You might cough too and have difficulties to breathe. But don't worry, everything will be okay!" I hated her smile. Hated it so much.

I lied down and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the loud noise of the machine. I tried to imagine myself in two years in college, having kids or just a simple girlfriend. But it felt awful to do that. Maybe I was torturing myself to dream about something I will never have. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. So I thought about my parents, Nico and my other friends. But I felt guilty. Guilty about the fact that I might leave them and break their hearts in the process. Shit, I couldn't think about a single thing without feeling terrible so I focused on the machine and nothing else.

I opened my eyes and looked at it. It felt weird to talk to it in my mind but all I could think now was, _you're my only hope. You're my only hope to survive. You're the only thing separating me from death. Please cure me. _


End file.
